The Cost of Compassion • Beyond The Sermon

All right. Well, welcome, everybody. Welcome to beyond the Sermon. We are here today to talk about our upcoming service this weekend in Proverbs. I am not Tammy Delau.

I am Cathy Musto, and I am sitting in for Tammy this week, and I'm talking with Steve Musto and with Tyler Fisher, and we're going to be talking about what it looks like to pursue wisdom through the book of Proverbs.

So we are here talking about Proverbs again this week because we are here this summer and talking about Proverbs all summer and the pursuit of wisdom over folly or wisdom over foolishness. And this past week, we specifically, you specifically brought us to the chapter in Proverbs 30, which kind of gave us some extreme examples of financial wealth and being in need and what it looks like to live in those extremes and what kind of the pitfalls that can happen in those extremes. And the ridiculous prayer of Agar. Ridiculous prayer, I don't want to be rich. I don't.

Let me. Don't give me that. Yeah. And that prayer, that idea of I don't want to be poor, I don't want to be rich, but just give me enough for the day, is where people believe that Jesus could have sourced at least some of the Lord's prayer from that. Give me just the daily bread, just what I need for the day.

And that's kind of the idea. And we certainly see this in the life of Jesus. Him saying to his disciples, like, don't take extra clothes, don't take extra money and extra food and whatever. You just need enough for today. God is going to meet your needs and provide for you when you're doing ministry.

So this is part. There's an endemic part of this in Christianity. And living in that tension then is kind of where we settle in and we call it contentment, basically is that middle ground of saying, I have enough. And that's kind of where you launched us into what does it look like to actually live that out? And one of the things that you gave to us this last week was generosity.

It's one of the tools we can use to foster contentment in our lives. Sure. So that brings us this week, this week to Proverbs, chapter three. Yes. 27 through 30.

So I'm going to go ahead and read that for us so we have a launching place. When it is in your power, don't withhold good from the one to whom it belongs. Don't say to your neighbor, go away, come back later, I'll give it to you tomorrow. When it is There with you. Don't plan any harm against your neighbor, for he trusts you and lives near you.

Don't accuse anyone without cause when he has done you no harm. So those verses, they kind of the underlying theme that jumps out at me is compassion. Yes. I don't think any of us would argue that compassion is something that is biblical and that we need to have. Why do you think that's so hard for us to live out?

That's the million dollar question. Right. And that's kind of the tension that we're getting into that I'm going to talk about this week. But it's something that is not a natural topic for me and it's something that I am not naturally wired to like. I've mentioned that I think a couple times in the past, but I'm a big T thinker.

I am analytical. I do not naturally bleed as others bleed. And I know a lot of people who do. You know Tammy who sits here most of the time, she's one of those people, one of my brothers. He just feels for people on a different level.

So it's really interesting for me to kind of approach these verses because I do feel like I have a very different perspective from that. For me it's hard because it's not naturally how I'm wired and it takes it. So it immediately takes me out of my comfort zone. Yeah. Of the way that you can make the argument that this is the way that God made me, you know, wired me to do this or these are the ways that I'm gifted and for most of my life I've used those things as an excuse to kind of leave a buffer there for me.

So for me that's one of the main reasons it's hard. And part of what I'm going to talk about largely in the sermon is the last two and a half years of my life in which God has said, haha, you don't get to leave that buffer anymore. And walked me and my wife through a journey that's been amazing. But yeah, tough. Yeah.

So you are more of a heart person and I'm more towards Tyler, more thinker and you are more heart person. Yeah. How does compassion rule in your life?

I think I process it. Yeah. I think most of my heart people out there, we process it differently. So what I have to do, my heart bleeds for everybody, which is exhausting. But you hear the need, you see the need and my mind doesn't go to the logic of well, here's the reasons why it's that way.

And here's how we can fix it. And here's what we. I. My heart goes to, what must that feel like? What must that be like to be a dad who wants to provide for his family, but he can't, and he's here, like, I don't know what to do.

Like, how does that feel? How would I feel as a dad, if that. So my heart. I go right to that. There are pluses and minuses.

It can be a wonderful thing, but it's a.

The problem with it is it leads you to believe that every need that pops up, because I feel something about it, must be something God wants me to do something with. And that is a problem, because Jesus didn't always heal everyone, and not every need is met. And sometimes it took multiple, almost to the point of annoyance before someone was healed by disciples, by Jesus, whatever. It was just again and again and again and again. So there was something that Jesus seemed to have taught and modeled that was like, yeah, we're not responding to that.

And the disciples had that. The early apostles had that. They were like, yeah, this is a need. We see the need. We're not responding to that.

Okay, I don't have that. I don't know what that is. I want to learn that. So that's tricky. Yeah.

So there's a tension between doing too much, always wanting to jump in, versus the tension of not wanting to jump in. And how do you discern that? What does that even look like? In our lives on a practical, everyday basis, both have the same task, which is to stay connected to the Holy Spirit. So if you let your head rule, then you're going to want to say, all right, I want to meet this need, but I want to open up your Excel spreadsheet and your budget and look at that first.

And if it's a financial need and take care of this, and, well, we can take this off the list and let me help you and fix it.

On the heart side, you're always going to be laying out just like, let me respond to this, let me respond to that, let me respond to that. And both are lacking the same thing, which is we go to God and we say, God, what do you want me to do? Is this something you want me to respond to or not? A couple years ago, we had a couple show up at our church when the service had ended, and they didn't speak English. And it just so happened that by God's grace, we knew someone who spoke the language they were speaking.

Kind of odd. It wasn't Like Spanish or something like that, but they were speaking French. And I was like, who in the world do I know that, like, majored in French or, you know, Spanish? We could find somebody really quick. I look for the one person in the church who I knew spoke French.

She had already left. And we have missionaries. We were supporting missionaries in France. And we picked up the phone and we were doing this whole translation triangle thing where I would talk, hand the phone to the couple, they would hand it back to me, I would get the translation, I would say something, I hand it back. It was like crazy.

And in the midst of all of this, I want to respond to this need. And I'm realizing as I'm working with another one of the deacons I think was helping. I'm realizing I just need to pause for a second and say, God, what do you want me to do here? Because we have. They're not asking for much.

We have the ability to help with this. And so I literally asked this missionary, what does this sound like to you? And his response was, this sounds like every time we get on the metro in France, this is the same script that he's used, that he is using in the metro when they asked for money and the whole thing. And there was something about that. I had a weird feeling about it already, and that's why I asked.

And God was like, yeah, this is not your thing. This is not something that you guys need to be involved in and you can help, but not in, not financially. And we ended up. I think we gave him like 20 bucks or something to put gas in the car. And maybe that was all, but this was not going to be anything else.

And it caused a little bit of a. He started making a scene because we wouldn't give him money. And. But that heart check, that pause, that created a pause for a heart check moment to go, yeah, we better do something about this. And is this something we should act on?

No, probably not. So does that then kind of underline what we've talked about from the beginning with Proverbs, that these are not absolutes, rules that should be taken word for word. There is a heart posture and a. An understanding kind of the thing behind the thing with this passage? Because if you read this just literally, you would say, every time someone asks me for something, I'm supposed to meet that need.

And so what I hear you saying is that yes, but also no, right? And that's been part of our definition of wisdom, right, Is it's the practical application of knowledge, right? We can have God's knowledge. You can memorize the entire Bible if you don't understand how to apply it in situations. And specifically seeking the Holy Spirit through either those God put around us or directly to the Holy Spirit on what should I do in this moment?

We're going to miss things and we're going to make mistakes. And it's so fun to hear you process that from your direction because I'm like the exact opposite. So I put myself in that situation, or I just had a situation a couple weeks ago. I was out in my yard doing something. Kids were running around and there was a younger couple with super ratty truck filled with stuff, whatever, and they were doing something.

And my first inclination. But I could tell they weren't. Something wasn't going right. And they were like, parked just on the other side of my gate. And my first inclination, anytime I get near anything like that is like, don't make eye contact, turn the other.

Like, don't. You don't want to deal with it. Pretend you don't see it. Like, yes. Yeah.

It's just. That's who. That's how I'm wired. And they end up engaging. And, you know, I found a gas can with some gas in it, and I was like, I don't know if this is any good.

It's been in my garage for two years, but you're welcome to it. And they drove away. I don't know what happened with that situation. Right. But the same process that you described is the same thing that I have to walk through in every one of these situations.

It's just from the opposite side. Because my inclination is just to say, this is a scam. This is someone trying to take advantage of a situation. There's probably a justifiable reason why they're in this situation. Right.

So you don't need to deal with it. This isn't your thing. And I've had to learn to listen to the heart feelers around me and challenge myself to see people through a different lens and to. When I feel the Holy Spirit knocking and saying, look, look them in the eyes. Trusting that that is God saying, do something.

Because that's not who I naturally am. I'm not naturally pulled to that. So, yeah, it's super. There's so many facets to it. Yeah.

We grew up going into Chicago a lot, and there was a lot of unhoused population in Chicago. A lot of. When you go down to a sporting event or you go down to an art event or a concert or something like that, There are these Little gathering places. These are places where lots of folks would panhandle and whatnot. And then I did a lot of seminary at Moody Bible Institute downtown.

So walking from the train to Moody every day, it's just a huge corridor. And then I also did inner city ministry while I was at Moody, preached at the Pacific Garden Mission and did a bunch of things like that. And I learned from those who do that ministry, some of the things that they do, some of them are wired more on the intellectual side or on the thinker side. Some are wired more for the. You just assume everybody's got just bleeding hearts down there, right?

Everybody. Well, you wouldn't go into it if you didn't. No. You'd go bankrupt if you just had all bleeding hearts. So there are people who are down there who think about this all the time.

And I think we learned some during those years especially. We learned some really good things about all of that, including that you need to submit this to the Lord first. Well, and one of the things I think that's inherent in when we hear the word compassion is we immediately assume there's a power dynamic almost at play, whether it's financial or in some other way. That if I need to be compassionate towards somebody, it's because I have more and they have less, which immediately puts a weird spin on things. But the reminder that that's not always the case.

And there is a. A lot more to compassion than just a financial aspect of it. There are so many ways that I am stingy. Has nothing to do with money, but stingy with my time or stingy with my heart or my feelings or whatever it is that we kind of forget that that's all included in this. If I have a neighbor in need.

Yeah. It means picking up the phone or spending an hour that I didn't want to spend. Yeah. That's just as generous and compassionate than writing a check. Ultimately, it costs us something.

Right. Right. And whether that is money from our checkbook or it's our time or it's whatever object we. I mean, whatever it is, there's an intrinsic cost to it. And I think that.

That regardless of what dynamic you come from, this from, that is probably one of the core tensions that we have to deal with. Because we are selfish people. Yeah. Inherently. And whether it is.

And we. And truthfully, we live in a culture that preaches a you first mentality. So we're taught over and over again, like, go out and get yours. Do what's best for you. Forge your path.

Build your own destiny. Right. So this is ingrained in us from such an early age that the concept of a more communal type living, which is not. This isn't saying live in a commune. Right, Right.

But the idea that the needs around me are as important as my own is something that is just very, very, very foreign to us. And so as soon as we're confronted with a cost, regardless of what it is, I would say the vast majority of people, probably even feelers to some extent, there's a pause there where we calculate, is this cost worth it? And I think that's one of the biggest things that holds us up when it comes to compassion, is we like to try and figure out, I analyze, is the benefit worth what is being put into it? Right. Like, it's what I do at work.

That's what I do when I'm trying to solve problems or whatever, is, you know, a cost cost benefit. Is it. Is it panned out? The hard thing with this is we don't get to solve that second solute, that second half. Right, right.

Like, that's one of the hardest things. And a lot of times we don't even get to see what that result is. Yeah. And so we have to learn to let go of that. That's really, really tough.

Yeah.

That's interesting. I was just sitting here thinking about how we writing the check is easy so that. That financial compassion can be a lot easier. And here's how we see this even in our own church. So right now, I look at our budget, and by God's grace, our people are giving in huge amounts.

This is amazing. But for several years now, we've had a shortage of volunteers. And so the same generosity, the same generous heart that needs to be present for me to write a check or transfer the funds or whatever is stingy with my time and my investment because kids have hockey practice and there's something else going on, and I tired after work and all of those things, and it's. That's. So there is a.

There is an investment we're willing to give, and then there are other investments that are harder for us when it comes to responding to actual need. Yeah. And sometimes I think it comes down to we do those things because we know we should, and so we take the easy way out. Oh, yeah, that's true. Which is writing the check.

And then it makes us feel better, whereas the time is much harder. The emotional investment in somebody's life is much harder and costs a lot more. Yeah. Plus writing a check leaves that buffer. Right, right.

So it's like I can write a check to the church. It's great. We're called to do it, but then they can do the hard work. Right. And I do think there's a piece of that that's been ingrained in our culture as well.

Right. Is like, whether we like it or not, we are very much a consumeristic society. And so we've been taught that there's people, professionals, whoever, who do the thing. And that's just not what we see in Scripture. Right.

Like, if we are. If we are striving to live the life that God's called us to live, to be disciples of Jesus and to live this out day to day, we are the front line, like, every single one of us. Yeah, you've had more theological training than any of us, but we are all called to be there and to preach the gospel to people who don't know it and to show people love and compassion and. And it's just hard. I mean, like, as someone who's not wired that way, you probably understand.

Like, it's just. It's not comfortable and it's not fun. Yeah, no, it's not. And I. At the other end of the spectrum, then, I'm sure we all have people like this in our lives who are extra givers, who are extra generous, and who give beyond what is healthy or good or wise.

Aren't those people annoying? They're so annoying.

I can never measure up. You think you do a good thing and then you're with them. You're like, oh, I just feel terrible about myself.

Those people are amazing people. They're amazing. But there is something very real about compassion fatigue as well, that there is a time and a place. And this comes back to our discernment piece. Is this really what God's calling me to do or do I just feel a need to fill every void that needs to be filled and do damage on the other end.

And that's such a tricky line to walk. Right. Because our hearts, especially for those who are feelers, your hearts bleed. And you just want to keep giving more and more and more and more and more and more. I grew up in a family that my parents were always very loving and generous.

So at various times we had random people living in our basement. There were times that my dad's ex coworker, who had gotten into some trouble and was mixed in with the wrong people, ended up living at our house for a couple weeks. And that's the life that we were. And that's very much who my parents and my dad is. And they just recently had another situation, literally this week, where they had been doing a similar thing for someone that they were trying to help and care for.

And some things fell out with it. And it just got to a point where they had to make the decision to say, no, it's time. Right. And I was talking to my dad about it this week, actually, when I was on the way to your house to watch the soccer game. I was talking to my dad about it, and he was just processing through.

It breaks my heart to think of that person on the street not knowing where they're gonna sleep. But at the same time, we walked through everything that's been done for the last 18 years and the dynamic that brought it to this point and understanding that the opportunity for generosity is still there, if that. And that's where you have to just discern. Right. Like, the situation that brought them to this point was it was very clear that there needed to be a change.

There was some infringements on some things that it. There needed to be a shift there for everyone's benefit and protection. But it's still really hard to do that. That's the risk. Yeah, that's the risk.

And this. This is when you love someone. We always say, love is risk. So people who get their hearts broken. I'm never going to date again.

This is your immediate response. And there are people who carry that through. I've been hurt. I'm never going to let anybody near me again. No one's ever going to get that close.

And so I'll hold everybody at arm's length because I don't know who's going to hurt me. The same thing can happen with the compassion. In the compassion world, you have to be ready and be willing to be taken advantage of. We have been taken advantage of I don't know how many times. And I've spent church, like, budgeted church money to help people out that we found out later, like, oh, that was a total scam.

Thank you for a ride on that one. Yeah, okay. Or we've given money. It's like, well, that was a really good bad investment. And in those moments, you say, look, I thought we were doing what God wanted us to do in the moment.

So the result is not up to me, and the result is up to God. I have to do what God is telling me to do. And if God chooses that, I'm going to give to a scam or whatever, all I can do is stand before the Lord and go, I did my part. Right? He's like, yep, that's exactly right.

You did the part I wanted you to do, and the end result is up to me. So that's why we have to stay so aligned and connected with God. Yeah. And to speak again, kind of on the same line, when we talk about people that are so generous with whatever they have, whether it's time, emotions, relationships, whatever, There are also times where we need to be discerning, because where we step in to help and to give and to be generous really wasn't meant for us. It was meant for somebody else to do.

And we've just stepped on their toes and robbed them from the opportunity to be generous. If we're too quick and not discerning what God is really calling us to do. Yeah. We have a friend who. A couple that's pretty wealthy.

And the way they say it is, is this my number? Is God calling my number on this? Or is he calling a different number? And you just. So we say that to each other all the time.

It's like, hey, is this. Yes, we saw this.

I'm feeling my heart pulled towards this. Is this our number or not? And then we usually go away and we pray about it. And then we come back together and say, you know, what is God saying to us? But what underlines all this is compassion.

And this goes back to the law of Moses. You know, Exodus 22 is. One of the parts of Exodus 22 is if you. If your neighbor gives you their. Their cloak in a pledge and says, hey, I promise to.

To pay you back this, and they give you the cloak as collateral on that loan, give it back to them that night. Which doesn't make any sense to us. Right. In our culture. Who would do that?

Who would give the collateral back? They still owe you the money. Yeah, but the point was, it gets cold at night and people didn't have a lot, and so don't make them freeze. And maybe that cloak, you know, it's big and can wrap around for your safety. Yeah, for their safety, for their kids, for whatever.

Hey, it's cold tonight. Come on in here, kids. Let me bundle up underneath my cloak. They can't do that if you have their cloak because they owe you money. So there's a.

Just. Can we just be kind about this? And that has to rule it, too. Is this a kindness, you think, though, that kindness. Part of the tension?

This is. Kindness is often viewed as a weakness in our culture. I feel like we're witnessing a culture where genuine kindness is not. Well, it's just truthfully not exemplified, especially in the world that we live in right now, you seem to get a lot further by yelling or pointing fingers or being the strong one. But I think we have this thought that kindness equals softness, and that doesn't get you anywhere.

And it's all connected. Right. Because that also brings you back to what you were talking about. You open yourself up to hurt. Yeah.

And ultimately that's one of the. I think those are probably two of the biggest tensions with this is what does it cost me, but what is it going to do to me? Right. Because that's. You enter into foster care, which is the.

The place we just came from or we're still in, and you are asked to lay your heart on the table for these kids, that if you're going to love them well, there's no way you can't love them completely. But at the same time, you're asked to put all of that at the mercy of a system that you have zero control over. And that's just a terrifying thing to do. Yeah. And it doesn't get easier.

It doesn't play by biblical rules, by the way. No, it does not. Yeah. No, it does not. That's one of the biggest tensions with it.

Yeah. But, yeah, I just wonder if that. I think we're maybe ingrained a little bit to. To view kindness as more of a weakness, which is the exact opposite of what we see in scripture and what, you know, the humble, the meek, Everything that Jesus examples to us as far as how we're meant to live is the opposite of what culture tells us. It's the upside down kingdom.

We say that all the time here. And it teaches us a way of living that is much more vulnerable and a lot just being honest. It's scarier to live that way because you don't have control over situations. And as soon as you give that control over, it gets really, really dicey. But it's the same thing as a marriage.

Right. Like, the only way that Tiffany and I can function healthy in our marriage is if we give 100% of ourselves to the other and allow ourselves to be 100% vulnerable in the hands of that other person. And we are called to do that with our children and with our neighbors and with our brothers and sisters and with everyone we interact with. And that doesn't mean don't have discernment, and that doesn't mean don't go to God and sometimes seek his wisdom or understand when it's not your number, or maybe understand when you have given enough and God is saying it's time for you to step back. But it's a scary place to be.

It's a hard place to live in. And that's coming from someone who's not naturally wired that way. Maybe it's easier for a heart feeler. No, I don't know that it's easier. And I think.

I'm not naturally giving necessarily. I am stingy these days with my emotional investment in things because I feel it limited. I feel the limits of it. So I'm stingy now with do I really want to dive into this pool and get in the water with this person or not? And some of it.

So it's tied a little bit to time. Do I want to give my time? Is this the best investment of my time? Because I am accountable to the Lord for that. But yeah, the check is easy, right?

The check is easy for me these days. But the compassion piece or the emotional piece, I'm going to invest in that. I'm going to, I'm going to feel that with you gets. Yeah, just where. Yeah, that's the thing that's probably wearing me down the most.

I'm curious, do you have a moment of joy that you can share as a result of how much you've given in this process? I mean, every time those kids come down the stairs from, from. From sleeping for breakfast and they're beaming most of the time. Sometimes they're grumpy, but. And they're beaming and you know, Knox has his curly red headed afro bed head.

Fantastic. There's no way you can't feel joy in that. But it also doesn't. I have so much joy because I see what, I see what it's done to me. I see what it's done to my kids, honestly.

And I don't really talk about this at all in the sermon, but one of the biggest joys of this process has been seen how it or has been watching how it's impacted our children, our three biological children and how they've walked this out. And I've spent nights laying in each of their beds and just crying with them because they feel it too. Sure. The greatest joy is seeing how living in God's compassion, which is not something that I wanted to do, is not something two and a half years didn't get any easier. One of the most common things that my wife and I said to each other through that time is I don't want to do this.

Whatever it is we had to walk into, it's like, I don't want to do this. Seeing how that has changed all of us and moved us together, but has moved us closer to God and each in our own individual way because we've all started at a different place along that. But I would say that, truthfully, is probably the biggest joy out of the process. It is something that. I've said this a few times recently.

If we knew what we were signing up for, I don't think we would have been brave enough to do it. But I'm so grateful for the journey that we walked through. Just because of what I've seen. Being forced to live like that does to a heart and a soul and has taught us lessons that I think all of our kids will carry the rest of their lives, which is really, really special. Yeah.

And I'm so glad to hear that. And one of the reasons is that as a spreadsheet person, those are the things you can never account for on the spreadsheet. That it somehow in God's math equals something so above and beyond what we could ever imagine or ask for is the joy that he can provide when we just are generous with what he's given us and are obedient to what he's asking. And it's such a cool thing to see. So thanks.

Thanks for sharing that with us and thank you for sitting down and talking about this chapter. I think it'll be great. I'm looking forward to hearing it. Yeah. All right.

Well, thank you. We'll see you next week. Sam.